I laid awake at 2:24 this morning and I thought about the purpose of individuals. What is their purpose in my life? Do I have a knack for keeping people who only hurt me in my life? People who don’t mean much harm, but still manage to hurt me. Am I overreacting to simple actions? Maybe right now some people aren’t healthy for me as I strive to grow and become mentally healthy. That some relationships and friendships aren’t just what’s best for me right now and that one day I will be able to return to them if possible, but right now they are only doing harm on both sides. Sometimes I feel as though I am not the woman I wish to be in some of the relationships and friendships I have had. I wish I had had more time before some of these individuals came into my life to grow, but then I have to acknowledge that maybe their presence in my life was the force to wake me up and make me look at my actions and mental health. A force to make me want to grow and change.
Some characteristics I see in multiple people and I wonder if I have grown accustomed to having a certain type of personality around me that I feel lost when I don’t have someone who doesn’t possess certain traits in my life, even if they are unhealthy for me. That keeping a level of toxicity around brings about comfort. That I don’t feel like everything has changed around me and in myself. Maybe I fear change and therefore sabotage my own personal growth and chance at freedom from ongoing pains. I have been battling trying to understand this. Trying to understand a cycle of things occurring. Some days it feels like the same story, but with different actors and I wonder when the story will change. I sat down a couple of days ago and told myself that in order to get something different for once, I have to do something different. If you always do what you’ve done, you’ll always get what you’ve gotten. That health and happiness was a choice only I had to make. I have to choose to grow. I have to choose to be happy and choose it every day. I have to choose when a person has served their purpose in my life and choose to move on. I have to choose to no longer live with pain from the past. I have to choose to not allow it to ruin opportunities for me. I have to choose to let it go. I have to choose my own purpose in others’ lives. It’s my choice.