Did you dream it?

I don’t know how it’s possible to be so sure of love and to be wrong each and every time. It makes you wonder if any of this is ever truly real. That maybe this whole time you’ve just been sitting here making things up in your head. Each and every experience was simply your imagination and none of them ever really happened in real life. Maybe your mind has been playing tricks on you because you’re so focused on something you crave to have. Something you’ve longed for and believe you deserve to have in this life. Through that amount of craving your mind decided to do more. It decided to create scenarios that weren’t real. It made you read more into things that were only meant to be looked at on a surface level. It made you believe that for once what you craved for could be attainable. You might have found the most innocent action to be one of love. A kind gesture to be one of interests. You read everything wrong.

You were sure of love and completely wrong. Your mind has only played tricks on you, but is it your mind alone or has your heart joined in the game too? It makes you wonder if you even really know what love is. If you can feel and acknowledge the existence of affection and admiration. Are you that dead, so cold that the smallest thing can be considered to be an ounce of love. Are you that lacking of self love, comfort, or peace, that you crave and cling on to anything that makes you feel good for just a second? Maybe the closest thing you have ever been to love is wishing it was love. You might ask yourself, “If it wasn’t real, then why does it hurt so bad?” I’ve heard that even losing a game can cause some pain. Maybe it was real, but you were the only person involved. You created a story line, a history, a game for yourself and you were the only player. Your only disappointment is with yourself. You let yourself believe that once again there was more when in reality there was nothing.

The worst part about there being nothing is that it still hurts. Your heart can still break and you can feel exactly like it, nothing. It makes you question it all. If it wasn’t real how was it so real for you? You turned out to be once again the only person in love. I find it quite pathetic. You’ve poured and poured out every inch of your beating heart and yet you have yet to know love. To feel it. You’re left with bruises and confusion. After a couple of times it makes you question if you’ve gone mad. It takes an insane individual to continuously put themselves in the same position over and over again for the sake of love. Crazy in love or just plan out crazy? How many times have you been told that you are not loved? Too many to count?

The closest thing to the current heartache you feel is knowing you can’t trust your own judgement and thoughts. Everything felt so real to you. It felt different. It probably felt like this was going to be it. You turned out to be wrong and now you wonder if you’ll ever be right. You doubt it. You find yourself no longer trusting yourself with a quest for love. You don’t know what love is. You’ve never been loved. Everything you felt must have been a dream. Who knew a nightmare could last so long?

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