In this moment I feel broken, but that’s an emotion I’ve been familiar with for quite some time now. I’ve stopped arguing with myself a long time ago about how I was going to pick up my own pieces. When my mind is clear and I’m exhausted from mourning the brokenness, I find a sense of peace when reminding myself that it isn’t true brokenness that I feel, but a shift. What I feel is a mixture of loss and change. What I mourn is fear of this loss and change. What I mourn is love for what I’ve lost and the life of mine that is forever changing. The pain I feel is my grip on a chapter I refuse to simply let be and let go.
Another emotion. Anger.
In the midst of my feeling of brokenness I feel everything including anger. I am disappointed, not surprised, and angry with people that I considered to matter the most to me. I’m upset how deeply affected I am, but understand it is because of the value I’ve placed on these very people that is the cause for my anger and disappointment. People you love can hurt you in more ways than one and it will always feel personal because of the closeness you have with and the value you’ve placed on these very people.
I am the peacemaker, the glue, the strong one.
Lately I’ve been asking myself, “Who takes care of me? When I feel as though I have no one, who can I run to? Who will know me? Who is going to pick up the phone at 3 in the morning when I call?” I would like to think it’s plenty, but it feels so real that I have no one some days. No one who knows all of me to understand the many parts of me or the complexities of the source of my pain. I’ve also been faced with the truth. I find my pain in knowing that the people I want to take care of me, to love me, to be able to run to, do not want such a responsibility. I love people with a strength and gentleness that is so often not returned to me. I find myself pouring into cups that leave me completely empty and no one cares to notice how such a deed leaves me empty to a point I feel nothing inside.
They don’t care. Why should I?
I’ve always been the peacemaker. I am the glue. I keep everyone together. I am the one who stays in touch. I am the one who constantly reaches out. Miles apart means nothing to me. I’ll be in the next plane to be by your side. Money and time has never been a problem when it comes to the ones I love.
What the fuck about me?
- No one is catching the next plane to be by my side.
- No one is getting out of the bed to pick me up off the side of the road at 3 am in the cold and rain.
- No one is calling me when they are in town to visit and catch up.
- No one is drying the tears I’ve cried.
- No one is loving me the way I’ve loved them.
- No one is giving me a break when I can’t be strong this time.
- No one has all the answers like me when needed.
- No one sits at my bedside as I lay sick and in pain.
- No one holds me and lets me fall apart just for a few minutes.
My energy is not being met. I find myself overstretched and no one is taking care of me. No one is returning all that I’ve poured and given away. I’m exhausted. I sit here and I find myself being loving, kind, gentle, and none of it matters. People are selfish. They don’t care about their selfishness till it becomes a threat on your life and they fear losing you. My immediate reaction to all of this is to break down, mourn, find my anger, and be selfish too, but that only makes me feel even more terrible. I don’t want to be selfish like everyone else. I don’t want to change myself just because people are terrible in life and don’t appreciate what they have till it’s gone.
I’ve come to the realization that in order to heal myself I have to let my love for many people in my life go. I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry anymore. There are people in my life I’ve loved and have poured out my heart to them, but when I sit back and look at my relationship with each and every one of these people, I realize they make me miserable. They only ever care about themselves. I’m better off not associating with them and creating a clear line between them and myself.
Loving some people can be traumatizing because their level of selfishness. Some people don’t realize what they have in family, friendship, and love till it’s really gone. I’m challenging myself to distance myself from people who do not lift me up in love, but only bring me down. The old version of myself would have continue to let these people bring me down till I no longer wanted to live, but I’m not that girl anymore. My life is too beautiful to end it just because people don’t appreciate my goodness. I’m far too exhausted to be the peacemaker. I don’t have the energy to fix our brokenness. My love is too beautiful to beg to be seen and received.
If you want to take me for granted, that is your choice. Nothing tragic will happen to me that will make you realize your mistake. My life is going to go on. I’m going to take care of myself and surround myself with family, friends, and a partner that all deserve to be loved by me and also return the love I give. I can be the peacemaker, the glue, and the strong one for the right ones because I will know that when I need a break, they will bring me peace, they will glue and put me back together when I’m broken, and they’ll let me rest as they face the storm to give me a break.
I’m not waiting for my flowers from the wrong people anymore. I’m not waiting for my flowers at all.